Hey Y’all! Boy hidey it’z been a hot wun this weak. I purdy near passd out tuther day jest a walkin frum Walmart ta my ole jalopy. Coarse when I got thare the heet in the car didn’t help nary a bit. I’z shore proud when the air condishaner kicked in an started coolin thangs off a mite. I shore made me feel sory fer enybudy whut hasta work outside in the heet ever day. I’m tellin ye ret now I thank it’d jest du me in.
Hey I seed a sign tuther day whut I reely lacked. It sayd, “Bein young iz butaful, but bein old iz comfortable.” Well, I thunk on that fer a spell an then I member Algebra. I wudn’t sa shore bout that young thang no more after that. Then I got ta thankin bout that old iz butaful part and membered that when my Dear Ole Mammy got older she sayd, “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” I cudn’t figer whut wuz sa dang comfortable bout that, so I kep lukin fer wun that tolt whut bein older and butaful wuz, but I never did see nary a sign whut tolt me bout that. So, I jest went home and painted my on self a shurt whut sayd, “Bein young mite be butaful, bein old mite be comfortable, but bein older an still butaful iz wondermus I gar-on-tee.”
I seed a nuther sign whut sayd, “Whut’z the difference tween bird flu an swine flu? Ifn ye have bird flu, ye need tweet-ment. If ye have swine flu, ye need oink-ment.
Hey let me tell ye this here tail bout our good frendz Clevon and Edda Sue Huckleberry. Thay went on vaykayshun a whule back and Clevon cawt a reel hanker ta take wun uv them thare hellacopter rides. He sayd, “Now Edda Sue, I’ve been a wantin ta take me wun uv them thare fity rides fer a long time now.” Well Edda Sue sayd ta, Clevon, “I kno you’d lack ta take wun uv them thare hellacopter rides, but that thare that hellacopter ride iz fity dolerz an fity dolerz iz fity dolerz. Well Clevon say, “Edda Sue, yu always say that and ye kno I’m 87 yars old now. Ifn I don’t ride that hellacopter this year, I may not ever get a nuther chance.” Well, Edda Sue thunk bout it fer a spell and then she sayd, “Clevon, we jest kan’t du it. Uu know that hellacopter ride iz fity dolerz and fity dolerz iz fity dolerz.”
Well, the hellacopter pilot heerd whut Clevon and Edda Sue wuz sayin an sayd, “Lisen folks, I’ll make a deal with ye. I’ll take bof uv ye fer a ride; ifn ye can both stay quiet fer the entire ride an not say nary a werd er make nary a sound I won’t charge ye! But ifn y say jest one word, er make eny noiz, it’ll cost ye fity dolerz.” Clevon and Edda Sue agreed and up they went in the hellacopter. The pilot did all sorts uv fancy flips and lupty dupes, but he didn’t heer nary a werd frum Clevon and Edda Sue. The pilot did hiz death-defying tricks over and over agen, but still thay wuz not sa much az a peep frum the back seet. Well, when thay finally landed, the pilot turnt ta Clevon an sayd, “Wow! I’ve got ta hand it tu ye. I did everthang I cud ta get ye ta scream er shout out, er sumpthin, but ye didn’t. I’m real impressed!”
Clevon sayd, “Well ta be unest I neer bout had ta sa sumpthin when Edda Sue fell out on that thare furst lupty dupe but, ye kno, fity dolerz iz fity dolerz.!”
Earl come home telling me bout his frend Jim Ed, whut he work with. Now Jim Ed iz moon lighten az a bar tender at a bar crost the state line and he’z all the time telling the fellers whut werks with him and Earl bout funny stuff whut happnz down at the bar. Yasterday Jim Ed sayd, “Bubba Ray wuz sittin at the bar drankin tuther nite when Billy Bob walked in and sat down nex tu him. After a whule Bubba Ray sayd, “I’ve been sittin her lissen ta yu talkin and I can’t help but thank yer frum Alabamer.” Billy Bob sayd, “I shore am.” Bubby Ray sayd, “I am tu. Whare did you grow up?” Billy Bob sayd, “I’m frum Luperville.” Bubby Ray sayd, “So am I. Whut street did yu live on?” Billy Bob sayd, “Possum Trot Run.” Bubby Ray sayd, “Well it’z a small world. So did I. Whut skool did yu go tu?” Billy Bob sayd, “Luperville Hi Skool. Whut about yu?” Bubby Ray sayd, “Me tu. Whut yar did ye gradyeate?” Billy Bob sayd, “1985.” Bubby Ray sayd, “Me tu!”
About that time Claudine come up ta the bar, sat down an ordered a drank. Jim Ed, ender walked over to Claudine shakin hiz head and muttered, “it’z gonna be a long night.” “Why do you say that?” Claudine axed. Jim Ed sayd, “The Murphy twins er drunk again.”
Jim Ed told a nuther tail bout this here old farmer in Florida whut had a reel big pond down yunder by hiz fruit orchard. Well wun evenin he sided ta go down ta the pond and he tuk a five gallon bucket ta pick sum fruit. Az he got close ta the pond, he heerd sum female voices shoutin an lafin with glee. Az he come closer he seed a bunch uv young women skinny-dippin in the pond. Well, he sided that it jest wudn’t be rite not ta let em kno that he’s thare, so the farmer calt out to em an thay all went ta the deep end uv the pond and wun uv the women shouted tu him, “We’re not comin out til yu leve!” Well, the old farmer thot fer jest a second then he sayd, “I didn’t come down here ta wach y’all swim er ta make ye get out uv the pond naked.” He held up hiz bucket and sayd, “I’m jest here ta feed the alligator!” Don’t tell me that old men kan’t still thank fast!
Well, that wun even blowed my mind so I spect I better skedaddle. Y’all have a good ole Alabamer day and come on back next week, ye heer!