Hey Y’all! Well, me and Ole Earl dun went ahead on and tuk the plunge this year. We turnt on the air condishuner afore mammy’s day. It seems lack this here year we went strait frum fall, ta summer, ta winner, then back ta summer agen. Since we turnt on that thare air condishuner I’ve been freezin and he’z been cool az the center seed uv a kucumber; one whut’z ben in the frigadair not layin out thare jest a bakin in the sun.
I hope all the Mammys out thare had a good Mammy’z day. I shore did. I had all my younguns and grandyounguns at the house and we jest had a ball. We got ta talkin bout tha unbaleefable fact that Elmer Jr. is bout reedy ta start kindergarten. Now I kno whut ye’re a thankin, but he’ll be five yars old on August the furst and that little and Josie Mae turnt wun on Janyary 19th. I’m a tellin ye ret not them tu’z a barrel uv munkiez. Elmer Jr, wuz jest runnin round aktin lack a lunatick and Josie Mae wuz laffin ta beet the band.
Earl got me this here card fer Mammy’z day, coarse ye kno I ain’t hiz mammy, but since hiz mammy iz dun alreedy gone on ta bee with the big guy upstairs he get’z me a Mammy’z Day present ever yar “Jest fer good measure.” He’z good at doin nice thangs fer me. Well, he handed me this here real purdy bag whut had a big red bow on the side and a purdy card stickin out the top. He sayd, “Margie Honey, be shore and reed the card furst.” That thare shud a tolt me it wuz a joke, but I did jest whut he sayd. The frunt uv the card had a reel purdy shapely fillie on it whut wudn’t warin vary much and it sayd, “I’z jest a thankin bout how nice it wud be ta see ye in this here purdy outfit…” then on the inside thay’z a mirror and it sayd, “That’z when I woke up and seed ye in yer ole flannel gown, curlers, and a face full uv cold cream. I spect that’z all I better say bout that! Anyhow, after he finley got dun slappin hiz legs and rollin on the floor laffin, I opened the bag ta find out that it had a purdy new outfit in it. That made up fer part uv the joke. Yu kan bet ye bottom dollar I’ll square thangs fer the rest uv it sooner er later.
Dear Margie,
My husband, my son, and my daughter-in-law took me out to eat this weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day. It was a really nice meal, but there at the same restaurant was one of my ex-boyfriends. Although my husband didn’t know him it made things a little awkward for me. Do you ever run into any of your ex-boyfriends?
Sugar Britches, yu better kno I du. I had sa many fellers runnin after me afore me and Ole Earl got hitched up that ye cudn’t hardly shake a stick at em. But in my case it’z the fellerz whut feel out uv sorts cuz thay jest kan’t baleve how dum thay wuz fer lettin me get away frum em. But that brangs back sumpthin that I hadn’t thunk bout in quite a spell. Me and Ole Earl went out ta eat with our frends Jimmy Don and Lorna May Floyd wun time and Lorna May jest kep figitin and starin this here jasper whut wuz swigging hiz drank at a nearby table. Finley Jimmy Don axed her, “ Lorna May, du yu kno that thare feller ye keep eyeballin?” She luked up at him and sayd, “Yeah I do. He’z my ex-boyfriend. I heered tell he tuk ta drankin ret after we busted up seven years ago, and frum the luks uv thangs he ain’t been sober since.” Well, Jimmy Don got up, walked over ta the feller, and belted him ret on the nose. When he got back ta our table Earl axed him whut he did that fer. He sayd, “I never did lack a braggert. Who’d a thunk a person cud go on celebratin that long?”
Dear Margie,
My husband likes to go fishing a lot on the weekends. Most of the time it don’t bother me because while he’s fishing I have time to go shopping, but sometimes he takes the fishing thing too far. It seems like he cares more about fishing than he does me. Does Earl ever go fishing and leave you to spend special days by yourself?
Well, I kan say that he don’t know mor, but I gotta say he did onst, only onst. He usually comes home with a purdy good mess uv fish, but thay’s this one time, on my birfday when Earl claimed he’z a goin fishin, but he didn’t come home with no fish. So I axed him, ‘Whut happened ta all the fish yu’z sposed ta be katchin fer supper?’ This here wuz hiz tale, “I had real good luck taday and jest when I’z leavin the lake with two ice chests full uv fish the game warden walked up. He axed me, ‘Da yu have a liesens ta katch them thare fish?’ Well, I tolt him them wuz my pet fish and ever day I take em down ta the lake and let them swim around fer a whule. Then I jest whistle and they jump ret back into these here ice chests and I take em back home with me.’ The game warden sayd, “Boy, that’z a bunch of hooey! Fish don’t do that!’ Well, I luked at him fer a minute and then I sayd, ‘Ifn’ ye don’t baleve me, I’ll sho ye. It really works!” The game warden sayd, ‘I’ve gotta see this!’ So we went back down trail, he helped me dump the fish in the lake, and we stood thare and waited fer a spell. After a little whule the game warden turnt ta me and sayd, ‘Well?’ I sayd, ‘Well, what?’ The warden sayd, “When er yu a gonna call em back?” I axed him, ‘Call who back?’ He sayd, ‘The FISH!’ I axed, ‘Whut fish?’ That’z bout the time the game warden knod he’d dun been slickered. I may not be az smart az sum city slickers er, but I ain’t az dumb az sum folkz thank.” Well, I bawt it cuz Earl’z the oniest wun whut cud thank up sumpthin that reduculus and get away with it. But he didn’t go fishin at the lake fer a spell. He figered the game warden wuz waitin fer em. I figer he figered rite bout that.
Well, I spect I better skedaddle fer now. Y’all have a good ole Alabamer day and come on back next week, ye heer!