Hey Y’all! Well, I’z in Fort Pain tuther day and thay’z this here art calecter whut wuz walkin thru down the sidewalk when he seed a mangy cat lappin up milk frum a saucer in the doorway of a stor. Well I thot he’z a gonna cauz me ta run ret over him when he stoped dead still ret in frunt uv me. I jest bearly kept frum fallin real hard on my reer end and ifn I hadn’t a grabed a holt uv his coat tale I wud uv busted it fer shore. Well, whut the feller stoped fer wuz cuz he notist that the saucer whut the cat wuz a drankin frum wuz real old and real valuble. So, after I composed myself I follered him inside the stor jest ta see whut in the world wuz sa dang important a nuff ta cauz sech a ruckus. The feller didn’t even notise me. He jest walked ret inta the stor and offered ta buy the cat fer tu dollers. The stor owner sayd, “I’m sorry, but the cat ain’t fer sale.” Well, the calecter started beggin, “Please, sir, I need a hungry cat around the house ta catch mice. I’ll pay ye twenty dollers fer it.” The owner sayd, “Sold.” And he handed over the cat. Then the calecter sayd, “Hay, fer the twenty bucks I wunder ifn ye cud thro in that old saucer. The cat’z alredy used tu it and it’ll jest save me frum hafin ta get a dish.” The stor owner sayd, “Sorry buddy, that’z my lucky saucer. So fer this week I’ve solt sixty-eight cats.”
Dear Margie,
I came home the other day and found that my house had been robbed. I called the police and it was about three hours before an officer came to take a look. I just live five minutes from the police station. It made me pretty angry that it took them that long. What do you suggest that I do?
Sugar Britches, I feel ye pain. Me and Ole Earl, way back yunder jest after we graduated from good ole Po Dunk High and got hitched up, we lived in this here little house that we rented frum the meanest old skinflint in town. Hiz name wuz Barny Burl Butler. Well afore we even moved in Ole Barny Burl tolt us that thay wuz robbers in the nayberhood and we better be shore that everthang uv hiz wuz under lock and key all uv the time cuz he’d take it outta our rent ifn any uv hiz stuff got stolt. Lack any uv the stuff he provided us wud be worth steelin. Anyhow, we’z goin ta bed one nite and I notist that Earl had left the lite on in the garden shed, which I cud see frum the bedroom winder. So, Earl opened the back door ta go turn offn the lite an bout that time he seed that thay wuz people out thare in the shed stealin thangs. He picked up the phone and calt the poleece. The poleece axed him, “Iz sumbudy in side yer house?” Well, Earl sayd, “No”. Then the poleece officer sayd that all the patrols wuz busy, and that we shud jest lock all the doors and a officer wud be along jest az soon as thay wuz wun avaylable. So, Earl sayd, “OK,” an hunged up. He counted ta 30, and calt the poleece back again. He sayd, “Hello, this here iz Earl Mountain and I live at 398 Horndecker Drive. I just calt ye a few seconds ago cuz thare wuz people in my shed. Well, ye don’t hafta worry bout em now cuz I’ve jest shot them all.” Then he hunged up agen. I’m a tellin ye ret now, within five minutes thay’z three poleece cars, a Armed Response Unit, and a ambulance whut showed up at 398 Horndecker Drive and thay caut the burglrs red-handed. Wun uv the poleecemen sayd to Earl, “I thot yu sayd that yu’d shot em!” Earl sayd, “I thot yu sayd thare wudn’t nobudy avaylable!” Turnt out the old skinflint hizself wuz behind all the roberys. Barny Burl Butler wuz steelin frum all hiz renters and then calectin the muny from hiz renters and the insurance tu. He’z still servin 25 ta life fer bout a buzzilyon different counts uv robery.
I got this here letter frum my good frend Edda Sue Foster tuther day. She shore did want me ta spread the word, so I calt her up on the phone an promised her that I wud. Here’z whut she had ta say.
Dear Margie,
“I fount out tuther day that thay’z scammers everwhare. I jest hate it when people forward fake warnins on the innernet er come ta ye door tryin ta scam a pore unsaspectin shemale.” Now ifn I’m real unest, and the preecher tolt us at church lass Sunday that yer sposed ta be unest. Coarse that wudn’t no new message ta me, my Dear Ole Pappy taut me ta be unest long time afore that thare preecher wuz even bornd. Anyhow, I hafta admit that I’ve sent sum uv them thare email messages a round myself a couple times, but ye kan bet ye bottom doller it wudn’t intenshunally… but acordin ta Edda Sue this here wun iz the real Macoy, and it’z real important fer everbudy ta kno. She sayd, “Please send this warnin out ta everbudy on yer email list. “Ifn sumbudy comes ta yer front door sayin thay’re a checkin for ticks dew ta the warm weather we’ve been a hafin lately, an thay ax ye ta take yer close off and dance around with your arms up…DON’T DO IT!! IT”Z A SCAM!! Thay ain’t reely lookin fer no ticks thay jest want ta see ye dancin around lack a ninny in yer birthday suit.” Pore Ole Edda Sue! Well, she finished her letter with this here lass coment. “I shore wish I’d a got this here warnin yesterday. I felt purdy darn so stupid this morning when the feller started lafin and jest runed off yellin, “Yu ain’t got no ticks.” Pore Ole Edda Sue! She always wuz a little gulable…Pore Ole Edda Sue!
Well, I spect I better skedaddle fer now. Y’all have a good ole Alabamer day and come on back next week, ye heer!