Margie Mountain’s T’wuz The Night Afore Chrissmas


T’wuz the night afore Chrissmas an all round my hips,
Wuz a hole mess uv candies that had sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies wuz stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs wud ferget thay wuz thare.
Whilst I’z in my girdle an Earl in chin straps,
We’d jest settled down fer sugar-rush nap.
When out in the pantry we heered a big clatter,
I heaved myself frum recliner ta see whut wuz the matter.
I waddled ta the kitchen but not lack a flash,
I flung open the icebox then sumpthin wuz after the hash.
The marshmeller luk uv the new-fallen snow,
Sent thots uv a binge ta my body below.
When whut ta my glazed over eyes shud appear,
But a bunch uv rice krispies an eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy luked luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated krispies, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear.
On peppermint, on Carrot Cake, on Pecan Pie, an Sugar Drops
a Weight Watcher dropout, I’d be dead from sugar detox
So I sayd ta the Big Guy as I strolled down the hall,
Please dash away these extra pounds, dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,
My clothes wuz all bulgin from tu much excess.
All them Chrissmas dinners had gived me a round belly,
An it shook when I walked like a bowl full of jelly.
I jest cudn’t ignore it, so I went straight to werk
I ate all uv that thare candy then turnt with a jerk
And layin my hand on my chest, with heartburn,
I give a kwik nod an toward the bedroom I turned
I eased back inta bed, tu the heavens I cry,
Ifn temptation’z removed I’ll get thin by an by.
I grumbled agen az I turned out the light
In the mornin I’ll starve… ‘til I take that furst bite!