By Neal Wooten
A single friend messaged me last night to tell me about getting stood up on a date… again. She was hoping I could explain this to her, but boy was she asking the wrong person. Want to know about history? I’m your guy. Sports? I can hold my own. Math? Definitely. But asking me about romance is like asking Stevie Wonder for directions.
Single friends often ask my thoughts on online dating sites. I’m a big fan actually. I mean, if you’re going to buy a car, you first peruse Market Place on Facebook to see what’s available, right? Same premise. Of course you have to be careful not to buy a lemon. Same with dates.
Unfortunately there’s no way to tell if people are being truthful about themselves. Personally I believe in being 100% honest, which is why my personal ad reads: “Tall, slim, handsome brain surgeon who loves to cook, give massages, and spend time on my yacht.”
But seriously, I did meet my ex-wife on a dating site, and it was an accident. I was helping a friend in Montgomery, a Frenchman who had recently gotten divorced, create an online personal ad. When I asked him what he wanted to say in the ad, he said (and I’m not making this up), “Looking for a woman who likes to cook and clean.”
After I stopped laughing, I suggested we tweak that… a lot. He asked me what I wrote for mine, which had been inactive for two years. I showed it to him and now I’m going to share my incredibly awesome personal ad that got a lot of responses, and, unfortunately, even got me hitched.
“I’m 38 and have never been married. Possible reasons as presented by armchair physiatrists: My mom says, ‘I think he’s gay.’ My oldest sister says, ‘You expect too much from people.’ My second sister says, ‘It’s because your love line doesn’t cross your life line on your right palm.’ My third sister (the cop) says, ‘You’re a wimp.’ And my brother says, ‘Can I borrow some money?’ I’m not sure about my sisters’ theories, but my mom and brother are barking up the wrong tree.”
At that very moment Maggie had just created a personal ad on the same site, and it asked her if she would like to view ads from active male members who are currently online. Mine was the first to pop up. The rest, as they say, is a nightmare.
So come by the Depot if you want to know about the Cherokee Indians or are having math problems. But to see my impression of a deer caught in the headlights, ask me about dating.