Growing up in a house in Alabama with no air conditioning will make you a nature lover, whether you like the outdoors or not. It was always too hot to stay inside back in those days. But even if we’d had AC, I still would have spent most of my time in the woods. I love the woods, the creek, and the wildlife.
If you spend enough time in nature, however, you’re inevitably going to have to take care of some business. This didn’t bother me as a kid. You just had to know what leaves not to use in place of bathroom tissue. Believe me, there are some places you do not want a poison oak or poison ivy rash.
I’m not a kid anymore, but my love for the outdoors hasn’t changed. I still enjoy hiking, swimming, and now kayaking. And I still love animals. But one thing has definitely changed; I have no desire whatsoever to utilize Mother Nature in lieu of a restroom. No desire at all. I want four walls, a door, a ceiling, a floor, electricity, a sink, a john, and three-ply extra-soft tissue.
A friend and I went kayaking at Desoto Falls a week ago and were shocked that both bathrooms were locked. They each had a sign saying they would be locked until the park officially opened for the season. I don’t remember them doing that. But we were fine. We kayaked all the way to the dam at Camp Skyline and back and then drove to Mentone.
I went back to Desoto Falls today with my sister, and we also kayaked all the way to the other dam. When we returned, we were glad to see the rental shop was open and knew that meant the bathrooms would be too. They were. But one was out of order, and they were working on it. The other had a few people waiting, so we got in line. Before our turn, however, that one also broke down. Back to Mentone I drove a tad faster this time.
This need to find a real bathroom has become such an obsession that I have nightmares about it, crazy dreams. Once, some friends and I were being chased by zombies in an abandoned mall. When we passed a bathroom, which was boarded up with plywood, I told them I had to make a pit stop. They warned me that I would be eaten by zombies if I stopped, but that seemed a lesser horror than passing a real bathroom. I squeezed through the plywood and… well, I woke up at that point.
I love nature, but if nature calls when I’m in nature, I ain’t answering.