Hey Y’all! I jest been a thankin on sum thangs I member frum yars past lately, and I thot I’d share sum uv em with ye.
Have ye ever noticed how when ye blow in a dog’z ear he getz mad, but when ye put him in the truck he sticks hiz head ret out the winder? Earl’z ole dog Rex doz that ever day. Earl thot he much lack havin the wind in hiz earz so he started messin with him wun day and fount out ret kwick lack that Rex didn’t lack that nary a bit. I’ll jest say Earl bout brout back a nub. Thare Earl wuz a thankin Rex wud be humbly grateful but he fount out it jest made him grumbly hateful. After I got dun lafin at him I sayd, “Earl, my dear old Pappy used ta tell me don’t go looking for trouble cuz ye get yer fair share in life az it iz.” It didn’t set tu good ret at that minet, but he ain’t tried blowin in Rex’z earz no more.
I’z a thankin tuther day bout this feller whut axed me out on a date in my junior year skool and good ole Podunk High. He wudn’t real smart, but he’z a good lookin skutter so I sided to make his day and go ahead on an go out with him. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We’z sittin in his house watchin the movie and the oven beeped so’s that ment the pizza wuz done. He looked me dead in the eye and sayd, “This is the worst part uv all.” I then watched that boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screamin at the top uv hiz lungs. Now that’s whut I call stupid. Needless ta say, we never had no second date.
Then thay’z this here other feller whut failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so he made a fake report card. He kep on doin it every quarter that year. But, he fergot that thay mail home the end-of-yar report card. Well, hiz mammy got a holt uv it afore he cud innercept with my fake wun. Boy hidy wuz she mad…at the skool fer thair mistake. Well, as chance wud have it, the teacher had retired that yar and had alredy throwd out hiz recordz, so the skool had no uther choice than ta take hiz mammy’z “pruf” (which wuz the fake wuns he’d made all yar) and “correct” the “mistake.” Ole Billy Joe never did tell hiz mammy the truth uv the matter. Ta this day she still gripes bout that stupid teecher bein sa xited bout hiz retirement that he cudn’t even get the student’z grades rite.
But that eskapade wudn’t nuthin. When Billy Joe wuz in high skool he pulled a nuther big un on hiz folkz. Wun day Billy Joe’z pappy wuz passin by hiz bedroom, and he wuz plum ustonished ta see that the bed wuz nicely made, and everthang wuz picked up. Then, he seed a leter, propped up on the piller. It sayd, “Pappy”. With a reel bad feelin in the put uv his gut, Billy Joe’z pappy opened the leter and red it. It sayd, “Dear Pappy, I’m writin yu this here leter ta let ye kno that I had ta elope with my new girlfriend, cuz I wanted to avoid a big bad seen with yu and mammy. I’ve ben a findin real pashun with Clara Dean, and she’a reel nice, but I knod yu wudn’t approve uv her cua of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and cua she”z sa much older than me. But it’z not jest the pashun, Pappy. She’z pregnut. Stacy says we will be reel happy. She ons a trailer in the woods, and has a big a nuff stack uv farwood fer the hole winner. We share a dream of havin a hole passel uv younguns. Stacy has opened my eyes ta the fact that marijuana don’t reely hurt nobody so we’ll be growin it ourself an tradin it with uther folkz in the commune, fer all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure fer AIDS, so Stacy kan get beter. She shore deserves it! Don’t worry, Pappy. I’m 15 now, an I kno how ta take care uv myself. Someday, I’m shore we’ll be back ta visit, so’s yu and Mammy kan get ta kno all yer grandyounguns. Love yer son, Billy Joe. P.S. Dad, nun uv the stuff yu jest red iz true. I’m over at Cletus’z house. I just wanted to remind ye that thare er thangz in life whut’z worser than the skool report card that’z a waitin fer ye on the kitchen table. Jest call me when it’z safe fer me ta come home!
Wun thang’z fer shore, Billy Joe shore bought inta the thery that life shud not be a jorney to tha grave with the intenshun uv arriving safely in a attractive and well preserved body, but ruther ta skid in sidewayz, chocolate in wun hand, a martini in tuther, body thoroughly used up, totally wore out and screamin, “Woo Hoo! What a ride!”
Well, I spect I better skedaddle. Y’all have a good ole Alabamer day and come on back next week, ye heer!