By Margie Mountain
Hey Y’all! Well I spect yu’v noticet that thay’z ben a quietus uv my articles lately. An I spect all them folkz whut’z been callin up here ta the Mountain Valley News axin bout me will be glad I’m finely back, but I’ve been on a much needed vakayshun. Me an Ole Earl went down ta Florida fer a month ta rest an re-cooparate frum all that thare rain we ben a getin, er shud I say that y’all have ben a getin. I’ve ben keepin track with all the goins on up here in these parts whilst I’z njoyin the sunshine on the beach. Ye kno whut I fount out bout campin? It’z whare ye spend a small fortune ta live lack a homeless person. I’m tellin ye ret now ifn I had ta face wun more nite uv crawlin out uv the sleepin bag jest ta dig a hole ta poop in, I don’t baleve I cudatukit. Not ta menshun all them luks we’z a getin frum them folkz whut wuz partyin jest up the beach frum us. Now I kno ye ain’t a gonna baleve this, but thay’z thangz goin on up thare whut shudn’t a ben goin on, not on the beach enyhow. An let me jest say this fer good mesure, I shore wuz proud ta get in a reel share an worsh the sand outta my crack. Felt jest lack sand paper has ben back thare fer the hole trip.
Hey whilst I’z gone I heered this funny tale. Heer it iz: thay wuz this here lady whut wuz bout 8 munthz pregnant that got on a bus. She noticed that the feller opposite her wuz smiling at her. So she moved tu a nuther seat. This time the feller’z smile turnt tu a grin, so she moved agen. This time the feller seemed more amused so she moved agen. When on the fourth move the feller busted out laffin. Well, after that the lady complaned tu the driver an he had the man arrested fer harasment. When the cop up he asked the feller (whut wuz all uv a bout 20 yars old) whut du ye have ta say fer yeself. The feller sayd, “Well, when the lady got on the bus I cudn’t help but notice her condishun. An she sat down under a sign whut sayd, ‘The Double Mint Twins er a coming. So I smiled. Then she moved and sat under a sign wuht sayd, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling.’ an I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did The Trick.’ And I cudn’t hardly contain myself. But when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign whut sayd, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!’ I jest lost it.” Needless ta say, the cop let him go, after he regained his own composure.
Dear Margie,
I always dread the holiday season because I know my diet is going to fall by the wayside. What is the best thing to do to be sure that I stick to my diet during Christmas?
Well Sugar Plump, I mean Sugar Plum, the best ad-vice I kan give ye iz that ye gotta be strong and determined ta be able ta stick tu a diet when thay’z all them good Christmas vittles everwhare ye go. The best thang I’ve fount iz ta go inta the bathroom, strip off all the way down ta ye birfday suit, then take a good luk at yeself in the full length mirer. Now I don’t meen jest a quik glanc and then ye run an hide like a skert rabit. I mean take a long luk. Honey Child, ifn that don’t give ye the nsparayshun ye need ta leve that thare food offn ye plate, then ye reely don’t need ta be on a diet in the furst place. But I spect I mite not be the best purson ta ax bout dietin. Cuz this here iz my way uv dietin: Ifn I’m tu dayz inta a diet an I’m still not skiney, I jest figer it’z a crappy wun an go back ta eatin. I tried that thare mirer thang onst. ONLY onst! When I turnt a round an seed myself in that thar mirer I closed by eyes an sayd, “Mirer Mirer shiny glass, pleze oh pleze tell me that iz not my _ _ _.” Oops, did I nearly rite that out loud? But when I opened my eyes again, the mirer wudn’t lyin nary a bit! I’m tellin ye ret now I cudn’t eat fer a munth, cudn’t sleep neether. I thot them thare night mares never wud go away. Jest thankin bout it makes me wanna go throw out everthang in the frige.
Dear Margie,
I’m back in the dating pool after a lot of years married, and I’m just not sure I still know how to select a good mate. What is your advice?
Well Sweetie Pie, furst let me say congragalayshuns, er condolances, whichever fitz, an I spect ether wun uv them cud fit the bill dependin on the sityeashun. Second, let me jest say sum fellerz er lack panny hoze: ether thay run, thay cling, er that don’t fit rite. Then thay’z sum fellerz whut er lack duck tape: thay stick lack glue and wudn’t turn loose no matter whut, but reely wudn’t the rite fix in the furst place. Thay’z sum fellers whut er a hole lack lard: thay’re purdy slimy and all thay’re good fer is gettin thangz cookin. Thay’z fellers whut er lack a new car: thay luk reel good, but thay ain’t got a nuff miles on em yet ta kno whuther thay’re gonna be a lemon er a keeper. Than thay’z uther fellers whut er lack the carz in a junk yard: Thay luk all wore out, and thay got a hole passel uv parts missin. Thay’z sum whut er lack a cup uv hot choklet: thay’re reel sweet in the bagenin, but cool off tu kwik. But I’m shore ifn ye keep lukin thru all them thare sharks in the water, yu’ll finely find whut fitz yer fancy bout lack butter an syrup. Wun thang’z fer shore, go inta this here datin thang with yer eyes wide open and don’t be fooled by a little fluff. Keep holdin out fer a feller lack ole Bret Farve. He mite be old az dirt, but he’z still ackin ta be on the playin field.
Dear Margie,
My mother is getting older and I’ve noticed that every time she goes to the doctor they give her yet another prescription to take. I think she is over medicated, but she insists that she needs every one of those pills. What should I do?
Well Puddin, I kno jest whut ye mean bout all that thare medason. When Mammy Mountain wuz still livin she’z the same way. Ifn she went ta the doctor and he didn’t give her a new pill she sided ret offn the bat that he wudn’t worth 15 since. But jest az shore az he’d give her sum new wunder drug he’z the grandest thang since sliced bread. Now bein the sweet, lovin, demure, dauther-n-law that I am, I trid reel hard ta stay outta thangs and jest let her own younguns handle it, but it got ta the point whare I jest cudn’t sit quietly by eny longer. So I started lukin up all them thare medasonz she jest cudn’t live without and I cudn’t baleve my eyez. The direer she had wuz caused by the medason that she’z takin fer constapashun and the constapashun caused by the medason that she’z takin fer direer. Ifn that wudn’t bad a nuff the sholder pain she’z hafin wuz caused by the medason that she’z takin fer blood pressure and the kidney failure wuz caused by the medason that she’z takin fer arthritus. I’m tellin ye ret now I got ta the point whare jest onst wanted ta reed a medasin bottul whut sayd, “May cauz permant wate loss, remov wranklez, an increese n-ergy, with no uther side affect! Now that’z the medason I wanna take frum no on til I go on ta live with the Big Guy Upstairs.
Well, I spect I better skedaddle. Y’all have a good ole Alabamer day and come on back next week, ye heer!