By Neal Wooten
This might be the most common question in the South. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that it’s the most common greeting. It is to Alabama what “Aloha” is to Hawaii, which literally means “the breath of life.”
When we see someone and say “How are you?” we’re saying a lot of different things. We’re saying “Good to see you”, “I hope you’re doing well”, “How’s your momma’nem?”, and “You take care now, you hear.”
There are many ways to respond to said greeting, all of which are acceptable by Southern standards. You could simply say you’re doing well. You could say you’re doing well and return the greeting and ask how they are. You could smile, nod, shake their hand, hug them, or my personal favorite: stand there and talk to them until the cows come home.
You could get creative with your reply and say “Finer than frog hair”, “Not too shabby”, “Can’t complain”, “I’m happier than a pig in slop”, “If I was doing any better, I couldn’t stand it”, “The best I can”, “Living the dream”, or you could channel old Southern farmers and say “Fair to middling,” which were two grades of cotton.
After someone gives their quick answer and returns the question to you, it’s your turn to blurt out your favorite comeback. But the thing to remember is – it’s just a greeting. Of course you’re going to run into some people who take the question quite literally.
Years ago I was home visiting from Milwaukee, shopping at Walmart, and saw a woman a little younger than myself whom I had gone to school with. She recognized me, so I smiled and said, “Hey there. How are you?” She was very polite and patiently took the time to answer the question thoroughly.
“Not too good. Had surgery on my back last month and they didn’t fix a thing. My hot water heater went out. My dog keeps chewing up my rose bushes. They got me working overtime. My grandkids are growing too fast. This dang cat started hanging around my house and had kittens last week. You need a kitten? I need a new car. And I sure need a vacation.”
I’m paraphrasing of course. I don’t remember exactly what all was said; I just remember the list went on and on. I knew I couldn’t be upset because the truth was – I did ask. All I could do was listen, nod occasionally, shake my head occasionally, and sympathize.
When she finally finished with her very long answer, I replied with the only thing I could think to say: “I’m so sorry to hear about that. How’s your momma’nem?”