Hey Y’all! Well, It’s afishal, I’m tard uv winner and I’m reedy fer sum spring time wether. Mind ye now, I ain’t complanin, cuz the preecher sayd las week that we shudn’t complane bout whut the Big Guy Upstairs sends our way, but I’m jest sayin…in case I got any favors a comin my way I’m afishally reedy fer sum warmer wether. And I heered tell that the ole ground hog dun when ahead on and seed hiz shader tuther day, so ye kno whut that meens…SIX MORE FERNALATIN WEEKS UV WINNER!
I spect ye kno by now that I ain’t never lacked spiders, and gettin older ain’t changin that nary a bit. I jest gotta say that ifn spiders ever grow wings, I’m leavin the planet. Well, thuther day I thot I seed a spider, but az it turned out it wuz jest a piece uv yarn. I’ll jest say it’z ded yarn now!
Dear Margie,
I don’t have a question, but I just wanted to tell you that I like reading your articles because it reminds me of simpler times when I was a child. Keep up the good work.
Well thank ye, Sugar Plum. It makes me az happy az a pig in the mud ta heer frum sumbudy whut lacks ta heer my crazy stories. With most folks I jest hafta say, “Well, Sweetie Pie, I spect it’z a Margie thang. Yu prolly wudn’t understand.” But speekin uv when we’z younguns, do ye member bein able ta get up without makin sound effects? Do ye member bein able ta go ta bed when it wuz dark and not get up nary a time til it got daylight? Do ye member not hafin ta tell folks, “Pleaz don’t enerupt me when I’m talkin tu myself.” I shore thot this gettin older thang wud take a hole heep longer, didn’t yu? I finly got my head tagather, but dang it, now ever thang else iz fallin apart. My hands stay cold lack Granny Eddlesworth’s used tu, and ifn I try ta open a jar I hafta run hot water on it, beet it with a spoon, cus a wee bit cuz uv the pain in my joints, and finely resort ta prayin fer help afore I kan get the lid ta come offn that thang. And a nuther thang, I find more hair in my sink and my and my hair brush that I do on my head. I kan’t chomp on ice no more cuz my teeth er centsative ta cold stuff. I kan’t reed without hafin my spects on and even the linses on my spects has changed ta whare it looks lack sumbudy skratched em with a fork. The doctor calted em trifocals er sum sech nunsence. Jest sounded lack a nuther hunerd dollers ta me. And fer sum dum reson ever thang I eat settles on my hips. But I magin we orta jest be glad we’re in az good a shape az we er, cuz it cud be worser, leest wize we’re still above ground. I’ve been looking at all the obits lately and it’z jest lack Granny Mountain says, “Old folks die in the winter time.” Thanks fer yer letter, Sweet Thang and I hope ye have a gooden.
Dear Margie,
My husband’s friend recently got a divorce and I feel sorry for him because he’s really going through a hard time with it, but he’s been staying at our house since just before Thanksgiving and my patience is running a little thin. What should I do?
Land Sakes, Honey Child, ifn yu’ve been a puttin up with a sad sack fer that long without hafin a comeapart, I spect I mite orta put yer name in the pot fer sainthood. We went thru that thare same sorta thang with Earl’z buddy Jasper Lee Fizzledunk way back yunder when all the younguns wuz still ta home. Me and Ole Earl felt plum sorry fer Jasper Lee, ta start off with, cuz hiz sweet little woman, whut wuz reely a monster in drag, jest ripped hiz hart out and stomped all over it. Now I’d heered tell frum the time I wuz old a nuff ta lissen that thay wudn’t nary a house big a nuff fer tu familys, didn’t matter how big it wuz. But we had a purdy big house and we’d knod Jasper Lee and Puddin since Buck wuz a pup and didn’t spect on it takin him neer az long az it did ta get hizself tagather. After bout tu weekz I’z fed up with waitin on Jasper Lee, and pickin up after him, and worshin hiz stinkin socks and dirty drowers, and cookin hiz fernalitin meels whut jest happened ta haff be different frum whut everbudy else in the house wuz eatin, and pickin up hiz empty beer kans, and lookin at hiz squal baby face whilst he’z a cryin in hiz beer ever nite, and hafin ta double lok the bathroom door ta keep him frum jest barrelin in whilst sumbudy else wuz in thare, takin kare uv business er naked az a picked bird…sorry bout that, I’z re-livin bad memories. Anyhow, finely one day packed up all uv Jasper Lee’z stuff and I sayd ta Ole Earl, “Sugar Baby, I’m fed up with this and it’z time fer Jasper Lee ta be movin on.” Earl sayd, “I kno it’z been ruff Margie Honey, but he’z my best frend and I kan’t jest thro him out. I luv him, don’t yu?” Well, I had ta swaller purdy hard afore I ansered, but finely I sayd, “Well, I magin the Big Guy Upstairs still luvz him and I’m a tryin real hard tu. Tell him that ifn I promis ta miss him will he pleeze jest go away?” Well Earl looked bout az low az a red wiggler in a wagon rut, so jest afore he walked off lack a whopped dog I stopped him and sayd, “Now Earl, yu kno I luv Jasper Lee plum ta the bone and then I luv hiz bones, but Honey Babe, I’ve had bout all I kan stand and either he’z gotta go, er I’m a gonna go.” Well, I guess yu kan figer that Jasper Lee went and afore Earl ever axed a nuther wun uv his buddies whut wuz goin thru a devorse ta move in the house with us, he run it by me furst. I’ll jest say it ain’t happened again. So ifn yer house guest seems ta be gettin a mite tu comftable with hiz curent livin arangment, maybe yu orta pack all uv hiz bags and a cuple uv yers and see whut happens.
Well, I gotta skedaddle fer now. Y’all have a good Alabama day and come on back next week, ye heer!