Hey Y’all! Well, I spect ye notised that I didn’t have me no colm in las weak’s newspaper. I polagiz fer that. I’z sa het up bout that thare vloggin I’ve started a duin that I jest cleen like rund outta time ta du my colm. But it’z a goin reel good and let me jest take a minit ta plug that thare thang. Now in case ye ain’t seed my vlog yet, an ifn ye ain’t ye shore need tu ifn ye got wun uv them thare computers whut’ll brang up the innernet, enyhow jest in case ye ain’t seed it yet, log on ta the Mountain Valley News Facebook er the website and mountainvalleynewspaper.com an luk fer it. Maybee it’ll be good fer a laff er tu. Ifn yer lack me, I didn’t kno whut a vlog iz, but ole Monk splained that it’z a vydeo log, whut’s sumpthin lack a journal whut ye put on the innernet fer everbudy and thair granmammy ta luk at. Ye gotta stay up with the times I gess. Enyhow, check out my vlog and keep on reedin my colm tu. That’ll give ye a duble dose uv Margie Mountian ever week. It’ll ether make ye sick er kuore whut ailz ye, wun er tuther
Dear Margie,
My son recently started dating a young girl that has been raised quite a bit different that my children were. She’s loud, obnoxious, and really just rude to my son as well as my husband and me. What should I do?
Sugar Britches, I kno jest whut ye’re a goin thru. And let me jest say when ye’re raisin younguns, sum dayz the supply of cuss werds jest ain’t sufficient ta meet the demand fer em. My Lula Mae brung home sum fellers lack that gal ye’re talking bout, but only onst er twice. The furst thang ye gotta du iz have a talk with that boy uv yers ta see ifn he’z tuk leeve uv hiz censes. But ye gotta kno that thang’z gonna hafta be handled with kid gluvs, az thay say. Enyhow, when ye find that he haz tuk leeve uv hiz census, cuz all teenagers haz tuk leeve uv thair censes, ye gotta take akshun. Meanin that ye kan’t let that youngun kno whut yer a doin, but ye gotta find a way ta gentlee gide him back over ta yer way uv thankin. Now the furst un whut Lula Mae brung round, why it wuz about all I cud du ta stand bein in the same room with him when she brunged him ta the house fer supper. Wun nite he’z spoutin of lack old faithful in that thare yeller rock nashunal park. Finely Ole Earl sayd, “That’z a lotta knoin comin frum a spran chicken.” Why that thare coment went ret over hiz heed az slick az hog lard on a hot skillet. He started talkin bout him an Lula Mae gettin hitched in a few weeks, but that Lula Mae wudn’t up fer it jest yet. That’z bout the time he sayd, “Dreemz don’t jest marackulusly come tru, yu hafta force the issu.” Well herein that Lula Mae wudn’t hafin no part uv it wuz all it tuk. Earl stood up and sayd, “Boy yu’ve inspird me! I’m a fixin ta force the issu. An he grabed that boy by the colar and herded him out the frunt door faster than a streeker on a snowy day. Lula Mae wudn’t tu happy bout that thang, but the rest uv us stood up and cheerd.
Dear Margie,
We have a new coworker that was recently hired and he just isn’t working out very well. He doesn’t seem to pick up on our way of doing things and he isn’t picking up any speed. What do you suggest?
Honey Child, let me jest say I’ve ben thare and dun that. Back in my yunger dayz when I’z a workin in the business office uv that thare finance corparashun thay’z all the time brangin in nu folkz and spectin me ta train em. Well, even ifn I du say so myself, I jest gotta say I’z a purdy good trainer, but thay’z sum folks whut kan’t be trained. I’z working with a nu bunch uv recruts wun day and bout dinner time wun uv em sayd, “Whew, I’m glad it’z bout dinner time, I’m tard.” An the rest uv em chimed ret in thare that thay’z tard tu. Well I’d bout had it with the hole lot uv em an I jest cudn’t help spoutin off, “Yu fellerz must be eggzusted frum watchin me du everthang. Then wun uv em had the nerv ta say, “When I wuz a youngun I wanted to be older. This crap jest ain’t whut I expected.” Well, ye kno that thare little voice inside yer head whut keeps ye frum sayin thangs ye shudn’t ortta say? I probably shud get me wun uv em. Cuz I sayd a few thangz I prolly shudn’t ortta sayd, but I had a hole new bunch uv recruts the nex day.
Well, I spect I better skedaddle fer now. I hope ye have the bess day ever and come on back next week, ye heer!